the Oh Wow chronicles

jude meets elmo and big bird

2009-10-12T16:47:00.005-04:00

Jude met elmo and big bird in person this weekend. You can tell he was enamored with them both. We were at Kelsey's Dream Fall Festival. And we had a great time. You can check flickr for more shots from the day.

first day of school

2009-09-19T20:44:00.005-04:00

Jude was so excited to start school this week.

And he loves it. I am assisting with the class at least 1 of the 2 days he attends, and I love it too! So far we've shelled beans, made grape juice with a press, played in a little stream, feed worms, made a collage, sang lots of songs, read lots of books, played lots of games, and learned some Spanish too.

Later in the afternoon of the first day of his class, I heard him in the kitchen saying "Buenos Dias, amigo." He hasn't said anything in Spanish in school yet, but at least I know it is sinking in and being retained.

tractor, tractor happy all day

2009-09-15T18:26:00.002-04:00

jude visits the antique tractor show

2009-09-14T12:39:00.001-04:00

1. steam roller, 2. tractors almost as far as the eye can see, 3. double decker, 4. steam tractors

a sweet story and song

2009-07-30T17:13:00.004-04:00

The other day my sweet boy looked me right in the eyes and said, "You are the mommy I wanted." Then he said it again on a different occasion. And there was not a bit of manipulation involved...he was just very appreciative of some small gesture I had made. I can't even remember what it was. I'm writing this here so I can come back and read it when he is ten, or sixteen, or twenty-eight and he is less forthcoming with his affection.

And another sweet thing is a little ditty that he made up (I think...I can't find a source for it). He says, "Let me sing you a song about froggies." Froggies is really x. He substitutes all sorts of things in for x. Here is how it goes....Froggie, froggie happy all day. Froggie, froggie happy all day...." I want to get that on video. If I do, I'll be sure to share it.

jude's conversations about God

2009-07-15T12:06:00.005-04:00

Jude has been asking me all sorts of questions lately as he is trying to sort out who, what, how God is. I wanted to share some of these because it has been really interesting…

Jude is very sentimental when you do something nice for him. Sometimes he says, “Ahh…thank you,” in the sweetest voice. Not too long ago, we were talking about how much I love to take care of him. He asked, “who else takes care of me?” I said, “OH, Daddy takes care of you too.” With a probing look he asked, “who is that other one who takes care of me?” “Oh, you mean God?” I said. “God takes care of me too, mommy,” he said.

A couple of weeks ago at church, we had a baptism. Jude was sitting with us through the service because there wasn’t anyone in the nursery. We sit up in the balcony, and sometimes it is hard to see what is going on at the baptismal fount from where we sit. So when many of us stood up to see the baby getting baptized, Jude asked, “Is God here?” I replied, “Yes, God is definitely here.”

Jude and I were driving down the road and Jude had his “baby” in a basket next to him. This is an imaginary baby that he started pretending to play with recently. I asked him what his baby’s name was and he told me “Ella” which was interesting to me because if Jude would have been a girl that would have been his name, but he does not have any friends named Ella nor or there any characters named Ella in the books we read. Then out of the blue, he said, “Ella knows the way to walk to God.”

Early one morning, before I really wanted to wake up, Jude was awake. I asked him if he thanked God for this day. He said, “God is here?” with a big smile on his face. And I said, “God is everywhere.” He thought that was a very good thing.

Yesterday, I was sensing that Jude was having some trouble with me not being around very much. I was driving him to Aunt Judy’s house, when he asked, “you are dropping me off and then you are going?” “Yes, it that okay with you.” “That will be fine,” he said very assuredly. “I love you, Jude,” I said. “I love you…I love you…I love you…” he said in the softest voice. “What?” I asked. “I LOVE YOU!” he shouted. “I’m so happy you love me, Jude, it makes my day,” I said. “Are you so happy God gave you me?” he said.

…way beyond happy;)

jude's first self portriat

2009-06-18T16:30:00.004-04:00

Jude is finally starting to draw so that you can recognize what he is drawing. I asked him to draw a picture of himself today, and this was his work. I love the big eyes and that arms come out of his face. And in case you are wondering the scribbling in the middle is his belly. I wonder if his is upset?!?!?!

"In drawing, nothing is better than the first attempt." ~ Pablo Picasso

gabriel the doll

2009-06-12T09:00:00.005-04:00

Remember this? Well, here is Gabriel, the doll for crafthope project #2. (Take a look at all the dolls that have been made for this project.) He will be given to an orphan at the Casa Bernabe orphanage in Nicaragua. I finished him on Wednesday and dashed him off to the post office, jammed his sweet little body into the smallest flat-rate priority box, and hoped that he would make it by Saturday (despite the nice post office worker's standard response that "there was no guarantee").

He is a black apple doll with some of my own adaptations. His arms are a little wonky. I got a little obsessed with adding sleeves to the regular pattern and forgot to focus on arm placement. Legs were done 3 times before I was satisfied. I wanted him to look like he was wearing rolled up pants so I added some bias tape and basically had to make my own leg pattern so he would show some skin. But despite all the fuzziness (hmmm...could this be why nothing ever gets done), I just made sure that when I was doing the hand sewing I took the time to really seal in a lot of love. Jude and I gave the doll a real big hug before we sent him away.

I am still making Jude's doll (I decided to make him one while I was at it). Jude asked who was getting the brown haired doll. I said, "a little boy who doesn't have a mommy or daddy." Jude's practical response was, "why don't you make him a mommy then?" Ohhhh, if only it was that simple.

hatched

2009-06-06T21:22:00.007-04:00

I went out to the garden shed this morning, and the baby phoebes were all perked up. I thought to myself, “It won’t be long now and they will be leaving the nest.” An hour later, I was out to the shed again and the nest was empty. I helped the last fledgling find its way out of the dark shed and into the beautiful day that awaited it outside.

All the nests I have been finding this spring have been very symbolic of the nesting that I have done with a particular idea that I am so excited to share. And it’s finally hatched. Let me introduce you to my new blog...

So wabi sabi will celebrate the beauty and balance of nature and of all things handmade, homegrown and homemade. It will give gratitude for moments of peace, wholeness, and connectedness. I’ve been working on this idea for years (without really knowing what exactly it was), and I have visions of many different projects that might spin out from it in the future. I plan to post something nearly everyday so click on over and please, please let me know what you think and help me by spreading the link.

As for oh wow…I’m not sure what its fate will be, but I am grateful for the space I’ve had here to share and learn. This really started out as Jude’s blog, and I kind of took it over. Jude will definitely be a part of so wabi sabi, but I’m hesitant to say goodbye to this blog for good, so for now I’ll just say, “oh wow! how grateful I am for possibilities.”

delivery

2009-06-05T18:19:00.006-04:00

I'm sorry for those of you who checked in to see what the "news" was. Unfortunately, I have to delay my announcement for a day or two. I am so bummed about this, but this is apparently not the time.

However, I will share something I am incredibly excited about...

I had a truckload of black gold delivered last night. This is the most beautiful finely grained organic compost you've ever seen. I have my work cut out for me this weekend. I will try to have some weekend snapshots to share at some point. Enjoy your weekend!

garden fairies

2009-06-04T10:17:00.005-04:00

I was working out in the garden reclaiming a section of a perennial bed that jumped its border. It overtook a section of the garden that I double dug a couple of years ago. That was lush, beautiful soil then, but now the weeds were rampant. It was a little painful to see all that hard work undone so quickly. Fortunately, the soil was loose and friable so the weeding went quickly. Nevertheless, Jude had it with gardening for the day and was tired of my attention being so fixed on one thing besides him for such an extended period of time, and said, “I don’t want to garden anymore.” To which I replied, “Well, mama’s got get this garden under control because I didn’t take care of it for a couple of years and now the weeds are taking it over. The garden fairies aren’t coming to visit anymore because it looks like I don’t care about it.”

A moment later, I discovered an enormous patch of wild black raspberries growing at the far end of the same perennial bed. I had to eat my words. The fairies have definitely been here and they couldn’t have picked a better spot. I was planning on converting that section into a perennial food growing bed with asparagus and berries. I’m halfway done and I didn’t even have to do anything!

In case you are wondering how I could miss an enormous patch of raspberries...I've learned to completely ignore large areas of our property and take great delight in nature’s ability to thrive when I do so. In this case, my neglect will reward us with several boxes of black raspberries in a few weeks. I can almost taste it now.

This is officially my 50th post, and I have some exciting news to share tomorrow so be sure to check back.

For now I will leave you with this inspiring quote that earthy crafty mama shared on her blog this morning...
"One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar." ~Helen Keller

weekend snapshots

2009-05-31T18:28:00.003-04:00

1. tidy beds, 2. dado and the hostas, 3. baby phoebes, 4. first harvest, 5. toes, 6. prayer flags

a few peeks into the weekend...
lots of gardening
dado the friendly gargoyle peeks out from the hostas
the baby phoebe's are filling out their nest
first harvest of red oak leaf lettuce
enjoying jude's laundry as prayer flags

sharing a vision of love

2009-05-29T08:30:00.011-04:00

I stayed up late 3 nights in a row to read Loving and leaving the good life by Helen Nearing. Each night I waited until I Jude’s restless legs settled down and I heard those sweet sleeping breaths that signify I am truly off the clock. Spending hours doing something alone is not something I do, so this seemed like complete indulgence. I kept thinking I would wake up regretting that I stayed up so late, and maybe because I have been fasting (due to getting my tooth pulled) I never felt tired.

The Nearings are having a huge impact on me like they have so many. It’s not new stuff. It is more like remembering what is important to me. Sometimes you are given information you know you can’t ignore (as much as you might like to) because it confirms visions or conclusions you’ve had through your own meditation . I read Diet for a small planet 20 years ago (ouch!) and I remember feeling the same sort of way. The funny thing is that I had two these two books (Living the good life and Loving and leaving the good life) for over a year and just decided to read them a couple of weeks ago.

On the last page of Loving and leaving the good life, Helen Nearing describes love. And what was very heartening about her description is that I had a vision the year after Bennett died that was identical to her description. In fact I share this vision often in talks I do for the Blue Butterfly Fund including last Friday when I spoke at the Taste of Mifflinburg. Reading this description in print for the first time after sharing it so recently myself really got my attention.

“Love is the source, love the goal, and love the method of attainment. A network of love crisscrosses the globe. The delicate shining lines form a tenuous web from one end of the world to the other. There are so many threads of love in the world, so much love going on, for and from so many people. To have partaken of and to have given love is the greatest of life’s rewards.”

it starts with a color...yellow

2009-05-24T15:49:00.007-04:00

I decided to play along with apples for poppy anne’s color challenge. This is a late entry given that it is Sunday of the yellow week. But these irises caught my eye. The warmth of spring is finally here, and these irises are a testament to that.

The arbor in the background was built by John and me the summer of our wedding. We were married on the other side of that arbor almost 14 years ago. When I think of all we did that year in preparation for our wedding, I feel like the last 14 years have been pretty unproductive, at least on my end. But I have been really inspired by Living the good life: how to live sanely and simply in a troubled world, by Scott and Helen Nearing (1954) who homesteaded in Vermont starting in their 50’s at the beginning of the depression. They built a beautiful stone house when they were in their 70’s and 90’s. And they grew nearly all of their own food…in Vermont that’s quite a feat. I have a ten year head start on them...so there's hope. (Okay, upon further reading I think I'm mistaken about there ages when their stone house was built. It's probably 40's and 60's. But they were still building stone walls in their 70's and 90's. Very inspiring!)

Sadly the garden is starting to reach the tipping point when my obsession for weeding overtakes my passion for growing. Thank goodness for the perennial flowers, like these irises. They don’t care at all about the weeds, and I don’t have to do anything to appreciate their beauty except to take the time to notice them.

“For us the life in Vermont was definitely better because it permitted frequent contacts with nature, because it afforded an opportunity to master and direct nature forces, because manual skills were still practiced and because the routine of living was less exacting." -Scott and Helen Nearing

happily bewildered

2009-05-21T10:53:00.006-04:00

“Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” ~ Rumi

I came across this quote on apples for poppy anne, a blog I recently discovered through another favorite soulemama. I’m a big Rumi fan so that quote caught my attention right away, but then I realized it was also speaking to me. Sometimes we just need reminders of what we know to be true. And I am so thankful for the way God gives me these when I need them most.

I started a new treatment for Lyme disease last week, that has basically kicked me in the backside. After doing some research into the treatment and discovering other approaches in the process, my head started spinning (again) with all the new information and I started to feel that ever so familiar overwhelmed state creeping back into my mind, body, and soul. I told John that the more I read the more I feel hopeless. That’s just not me…that’s the disease. Of course, his wise response was, "well, stop reading." And really, it is just better to trust in something bigger than your own little mind or someone else little mind.

What I didn’t read and that I have to keep reminding myself of is that there is so much more to healing than the physical aspects and no one seems to share this information well. And the reason is (I think) that it can’t be explained in a rational way that can be contemplated and researched. Qigong, Reiki, meditation, prayer contribute greatly to my healing and general sense of well-being. Having a supportive circle of women friends is healing. Recognizing your blessings is healing. One of the things that I loved about apples for poppy anne is that she has a weekly post that is titled “Things that I am thankful for today.” I have used the acknowledgement of blessings in a similar way for a very long time and have seen the amazing effects of doing so.

When we are on the right track, the universe seems incredibly small. But small isn’t even the right word…the Universe seems focused. We are directed in ways that lead us to believe we are connected to everything. Our attention is brought back over and over to the things that we need to be focused on and soulmama did that again for me earlier this week. She posted another link in her LOVING section to craft hope.

Craft Hope is doing a doll making project for an orphanage in Nicaragua called Casa Bernabe. It turns out that our church has a mission to another orphanage called Casa Bernabe in Guatemala next month. And that came about because a good friend of mine, Angie, was lead to pray for a little boy, Gabriel, at this orphanage. As she shared the story of Gabriel and Casa Bernabe with a number of people, many of us prayed for them. Gabriel has returned to his biological family and now our church has many projects directed at helping the orphanage.

I really wanted to take part in the mission trip but didn’t feel I could commit given my health. With gratitude and bewilderment for all things that synchronicitiously come together, I am now planning on completing a doll for the craft hope project. And I hope that I can convince one or two of you to join me. Anyone???

cake

2009-05-18T20:59:00.009-04:00

Today under blue skies with the most perfect puffy white clouds we celebrated a birthday. Well, a few knew we were actually celebrating two birthdays. One of Jude’s friends, Scarlett, turned 2 today and invited a crew of kids over for an art party. Today is also Bennett’s birthday. He would have been 7.

Much to be grateful for today… I am grateful that Scarlett turned two and gave us a chance to celebrate this beautiful day being creative with joyful children.

We came home and decided to have a party for Bennett too. We made a flower cake from all the flowers blooming around our house right now. I used the top to my bamboo steamer for the form. The bottom recently came apart at the seams and I saved the top because I thought there might be something I could use it for, and it happened to be sitting on our shoe cabinet when I came in the house looking for something to use as a form. Since it was a windy day we used glue to affix the flowers. We used a special quilt that was given to us for Bennett and broke out a new tea set for a party.

When I asked Jude what he thought about making Bennett a cake with flowers, he was so excited. We never really talked to him much about Bennett because we didn’t know what he would understand. But we had this amazing conversation…
J: does Bennett like yellow flowers?
M: yes, I think he does.
J: is Bennett my cousin?
M: no, Bennett is your brother.
J: (big grin on Jude’s face) what does he do with me?
M: he watches over you.
John walked out of the house, and Jude ran over to him saying, “we are making a cake for Bennett.”
J: is she one angel?
John: yes, he is an angel

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. ~George Elliot

making a room, part 2

2009-05-14T10:00:00.006-04:00

Okay, a month ago I started to try come up with a solution to this problem...

The toy baskets worked fine when Jude was younger. There were fewer toys then, and I kept them organized. Now that Jude plays more independently, a new system was needed. He often ignored the toys in the baskets because he could see what was beneath the first layer.

After having a vision for a new play area a month ago, it finally got put together yesterday. I went to Target and they had the toy organizers that I picked out weeks ago on sale. This isn't the greenest solution to our toy organizing dilemma. If I had more patience, John would have made a simliar base and I would have made fabric boxes, but I'll just be grateful to China for their help in calming the toy chaos around here. This organizer worked out great for us because we have a lot of little toys. I bought the rug a year ago at Ikea, and Jude really likes to drive his cars and trucks on the roads, and it works perfectly to use it and the train table (the second one that John built...the first one is a gigantic piece of fine furniture with reversed tapered legs and made of walnut and crayon markings on the top) to define the 8' x 5' area.

Jude discovered all the toys he didn't know he had, and I'm a pretty happy mama which is always a good thing!

what's bloomin'

2009-05-12T10:23:00.006-04:00

This is absolutely my favorite time of year. I love the cool air in the mornings, the warmth of the afternoons, the flowers blooming everywhere, and the birdsong! It makes me so filled with gratitude. I wish I could bottle this up for times when I am...well, less grateful. I went around trying to capture the beauty of our little corner in jpegs, but I didn't even come close. This is what's blooming anyway....

perrenial forget-me-not with its pretty heartshaped leaves

foreground pink honeysuckle bush background favorite spot in the garden

purple lilac

wild pink columbine with spirea

(wedding veil bush) in the background

The spring and summer before Jude was born I found a feather every day. One exceptional day I found 14 feathers. This year must be the year of nests. I keep finding them. Unfortunately, I found this one while weeding, and I didn't know where exactly it came from. It just ended up in a garden path when I took an armful of weeds to the wheel barrow. Look at the lovely little speckled eggs. I tried to place it back where I thought it might have come from, but I sneaked out early this morning and there was no mama sitting on the nest. I'm not so happy about that.

"It's spring fever....you don't know quite what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!" -Mark Twain

ma

2009-05-10T11:28:00.010-04:00

He only said it once. In fact, it was the only word he ever said. And for some reason, after not thinking about this particular memory for a long time, the image of him sitting on the bed looking up at me with extended arms popped into my head Friday night. And an endless flow of tears streamed down either side of my face. It was if some dam broke. I wasn’t consciously holding them back, but here they were. And the funny thing was the deep aching pain that often accompanies these tears wasn’t there. They were just tears and happiness for the boy he was.

So this weekend leading up to mother’s day, I have been so grateful for both my boys. They opened up my heart in a way I never knew was possible helping me to become more compassionate, mindful, selfless, and joyful. And there were plenty of tears too, but how could I ever truly appreciate all that I have the way that I do if I hadn’t experienced all that I have. No other people have taught me more about loving and being loved the way my two boys have except my own mother. So I honor the three of them today.

I ran over to my mom’s cottage this morning to get her a cup of her coffee and was awestruck with how beautiful it was. Again I thought about the gratitude I had for Bennett and Jude. I looked down at my legs and a tiny blue spring azure fluttered about and followed me a bit. This brought a smile to my face , joy to my heart, and filled me with overflowing love. I hope you feel it too.

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." -George Sand

here we grow

2009-05-06T12:18:00.006-04:00

Well, I finally had a peek into Phoebe’s nest and look what I saw…

It's little out of focused but I didn't want to disturb the nest too much. This post is more of a garden journal entry more than anything. I took advantage of the brief break in the rain yesterday to do some planting and weeding, lots of weeding. The rain is making everything grow...our unmowed grass, the dandelions, the garlic mustard, and thankfully my second batch of peas are finally coming up. Yesterday, I planted Chinese cabbage, red cabbage, celery, kale. It's probably a bit late for these, but we’ll see. Here are some pictures of the garden carefully angled so the weeds don't detract from work that was accomplished!

celery

chinese cabbage and red lettuce

While I was working quietly, a bald eagle flew circles low above the creek. It was being followed by a smaller hawkish/eaglish bird. I’m wondering if it was an immature eagle.

"He loved the earth and all things of the earth.. He knew that man's heart away from nature becomes hard, he knew the lack of respect for growing, living things soon led to the lack of respect for humans too." -Luther Standing Bear Land of the Spotted Eagle

green

2009-05-01T13:17:00.009-04:00

This week I found myself being filled with gratitude for green. The little heat wave we had earlier this week forced all the green out at last. The heat was sweltering without our green canopy that we are accustomed to when temperatures go over 90. But now that bright, fresh, springtime green is everywhere with a few accents of pink thanks to the redbuds and tulips and blue thanks to the wild lobelia, violets, and the few grape hyacinths that are left.

I love how redbuds bloom right on the large branches and even the trunk.

There are little orange leaves that have just started coming out too.

The birds are in heaven and their songs are in full force as well. There are a couple of birds that are making themselves right at home. A phoebe has made a really darling nest on top of the light in our shed. And a little wren knew not to pass up the golden opportunity of a woven grass birdhouse that hangs next to our kitchen window.

Happy May Day!

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through. ~Irish blessing

trillium woes

2009-04-28T15:30:00.007-04:00

This little beauty has tried her best but for the second consecutive year, Sophie has trampled her. Sunday night I found her snapped at the base before she even had a chance to bloom. So I brought her in to enjoy the single bloom. This might be the last year she even has a chance. Trillium plants are damaged easily by picking (or trampling) and it is illegal to pick them in many states and Canada for that reason. They only produce the three leaves below the flower and those are the solar power plants for the entire plant.

The trillium is often consider symbolic of the Holy Trinity but is also a symbol used by midwives (although I can’t remember why). My midwife Krystn had one tattooed on her upper arm and our red trillium bloomed the day Jude was born. I knew it would. Well, actually I thought the white one would, but it waited to honor her when she came back for my post delivery visit.

I’m looking into willow edging like this one to keep Sophie out of the area. It’s probably too low to make a difference, but it would look really nice.

shibui washi

2009-04-26T13:48:00.008-04:00

John just delivered this amazing table to a lucky person in Pittsburgh this weekend. I’m calling the piece shibui washi because it reminds me of an eagle. It is huge and has a counterpart that can be linked with it to accommodate larger dining parties. The table itself was made from two consecutive slices from the same walnut tree that are book-matched and joined in the center to create mirror images (or eyes and a beak as it appears in this case).

He came back with a check and a cold which we all have now. This morning while everyone was nursing their colds, I sat outside in the balmy weather enjoying my tea and watching the flurry of bird activity that was happening creekside. I didn’t see any eagles but I did see a heron, ducks, and lots of songbirds. We had a pair of eagles hanging out along our stretch of the creek while John was working on the table. Their energy went into that table and the table will offer incredible gifts of patience, power, and vision to its new owner.

“From the oyster to the eagle, from the swine to the tiger, all animals are to be found in men and each of them exists in some man, sometimes several at the time. Animals are nothing but the portrayal of our virtues and vices made manifest to our eyes, the visible reflections of our souls. God displays them to us to give us food for thought.” ~Victor Hugo

bowing down to T. rex

2009-04-22T09:22:00.004-04:00

Every morning I try to wake up early so I have time to pray, meditate and read. It doesn’t always happen, but when I do manage to it does make a difference in my day. One of the prayers I do in the morning is a body prayer.

One morning I was doing my prayer and it was still dark, but I noticed there was something on the floor in front of me. It was Jude’s 10” tall Tyrannosaurus rex and his beady eyes were staring right at me. I was caught in this moment of being deep in prayer and at the same time wanting to laugh at the ridiculousness of trying to do that in midst of the chaos that is my house.

Two days ago I sat at the kitchen table reading before any one was up. I usually read the Bible and other spiritual texts. There he was again on the table looking at me. And again I chuckled at the thought of this dinosaur showing up when I am trying my best to be mindful and connected to the Divine.

The next day, I noticed T. rex on the kitchen counter looking in the sink at the dirty dishes as if to shame me into doing them. And I had a moment of insight that this is exactly what mindfulness is all about. It is not hiding away from the world and its messiness. It is facing it head on taking it in with all it has to offer regardless of what that is…dish after dish, toy after toy, breathe after breathe. It is a kind of mommy mindfulness I suppose.

The prayer…
“I step into the embrace of the Beloved (step forward) to receive and to give (cup hands at heart and extend them forward). I put behind me all egotistically thoughts and worldly concerns (move open hands to either side of your head). I open my heart (hands over heart) with thanksgiving and praise (extend arms up). I surrender to You (bow at waist), now and always (bow with head to floor), at one (kneel up on knees) with You (head back to floor).”

Oops...this is what happens when T. rex spends too much time hanging out at the sink...

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” ~Zen proverb

a week

2009-04-20T16:18:00.006-04:00

On Sunday, I remarked to a couple of different people that it was hard to believe the past week was only 7 days long. There was so much packed into that week. A lot of fun, a lot of cleaning, a lot of cooking, a lot of cake decorating, and some good weather just at the right times. Here are some highlights...

I also wanted to mention that I finally switched over to flickr. If you like to look at other peoples pictures like me and want to see more pics from the last week or if you are my mother, here is my photostream. I created 4 sets: chasing bubbles, easter, jude's birthday, and jude's birthday party about 200 shots of 3 year old happiness in total.

making a room

2009-04-15T14:28:00.002-04:00

I'm in a major nesting frenzy today trying to create a playroom out of a 8 x 8 area of our frontroom. I think what I am trying to accomplish is about as easy as this...

which I very much appreciate for both the art and the music.

More on Jude's birthday to come...

happy easter

2009-04-12T17:40:00.005-04:00

Today was absolutely gorgeous as Easter should be.

We had a lot of fun dying eggs last night...

And at the last minute I decided to make Jude an Easter basket from a fulled sweater. It turned out very floppy, but Jude didn't seem to mind and it did the job. I think I would have used interfacing next time on both the wool and the lining fabric which was very thin. The handle took forever because I tried to turn it, ended up tearing some holes in it when my patience ran out and I resorted to tweezers. I patched the holes by needle felting a small piece of the sweater onto the openings.

This morning before church we searched for the eggs the Easter bunny hid at Mimi's house. Jude thoroughly enjoyed this activity. When he found one he would turn around and hold it up for us to see. Then he would place each one gently into his floppy basket.

Hope you enjoyed the day as much as we did!

"Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, 'Christ is risen,' but 'I shall rise.'" ~Phillips Brooks

actually, tires go around...

2009-04-08T14:15:00.007-04:00

Jude has been saying things like...

Cookie monster is actually blue.

Actually, corn grows.

Most tanker trucks actually have ladders.

So that is where the title for this post comes from. Jude didn't actually say it, but it sounds like something he would say and it pretty much sums up what has been happening around here. So my unexpected spring break from posting isn't from lack of things to share...just no time to share them.

We traveled down to Philadelphia at the end of March for the Philadelphia furniture show. John's work was well received. And we sold two pieces off the floor so that was encouraging and a much needed source of income! Jude and I had a great time exploring the city. I felt like we were on a great city adventure trying to find our destinations and parking spaces for our big Sprinter van. On the one hand driving the van in the city is fun because people respect a big vehicle like that in the city. And you sit up high so you have a great view of things. But when it comes to parallel parking with limited windows to look out...well, I guess you can figure it isn't the easiest thing to do.

We hunted down Trader Joe's, Wholefoods, the Institute of Natural Sciences, and spent the day at Ikea. Jude helped me pay attention to all the lights by playing a "Go dog, go...Stop dog, stop" game. And we played shape searchers when we were walking down the big city streets. So much fun to have in the city...

The following weekend I got news that my aunt had some surgery done and was in a lot of pain. So I offered to come help her out for a few days. Her significant other had to return to work Monday and work long hours this week and she really wasn't supposed to be alone. John insisted that my tires needed to be rotated before I left. In the process of rotating them, he discovered a bolt in one. That might have left me stranded on the side of the highway somewhere. Since it was Sunday, there wasn't really anywhere to get the tire fixed. So we tried to find my brother in law to see if we could borrow his van. In the process we ended up calling my sister in law who just happens to have the same car as me and the same tires. She graciously loaned me a wheel and drove on her temporary tire for a day so I could make the trip to Ohio with Jude safely. (thanks Linda!!!) When, John was getting the wheel off her car he discovered that her rear tires were down to the cords. So lots of tires being swaped, changed, replaced.

While we were in Ohio, Jude and I got out for a walk one day when it was nice. We were walking on macadam walking trail. Jude, noticing orange plastic bars sticking up out of the middle of the road said, "That's silly. How is a car going to drive through here with those sticks sticking out of it?" And I replied, "Actually, this is a sidewalk. Cars don't actually drive on it." As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized where all those actuallys were really coming from.

wish

2009-03-23T09:45:00.005-04:00

Jude and I went back to the garden center this weekend to get seed starting medium and to visit the fairy garden again. Okay, the real reason was to visit the fairy garden. They have a pond in the center of the greenhouse and people have been throwing coins in for wishes. I tried to explain to Jude the concept of a wish. I said, "It is something you really, really want to happen." I gave him a coin and I asked him, "so what do you really, really want?" He thought for a moment or so and got a big smile but said nothing. So I asked again, "what do you really, really want?" In his sweet little boy voice he said, "to throw it."

"When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out." ~Elizabeth Bowen

purse obsession and alter egos

2009-03-20T20:24:00.009-04:00

Two nights ago I woke up at 2:00am and could not get a purse out of mind that I had seen earlier in the day surfing the blogs. I lay in bed thinking of coordinating fabrics that might work. It’s a general rule for me that if I get out of bed I will most likely not fall back to sleep. But I couldn’t resist. I had an incredible thirst and decided that I had to go downstairs to get a drink. I felt like Jude who always needs to pee or get a drink right after I’ve finally gotten him in the bed.

I slipped downstairs and started ripping through my fabric stash. Several minutes later, I was satisfied enough to head back upstairs. I actually had to wait two days before I could get started on sewing the purse. But today was the perfect day to sew. I didn’t have anything I needed to do today, and it was cool again.

I used this free pattern for the purse, and surprisingly for me didn’t do much to alter it. Rae, the pattern maker, was kind enough to return my email when I had a question regarding the use of interfacing. I did decide to use interfacing because I used a rather light weight cotton. I didn’t include an interior pocket because I didn’t have enough of the fabric I wanted to use for it. The pattern and directions were easy to follow. Let me know what you think.

I used Japanese prints for the main body of the purse and for the top and strap.

I used another Japanese print sort of a retro floral for the interior.

While I was happily sewing away, Jude cut out paper shirts and pants. That was until boredom overcame him. At that point he adopted an alter ego, who took the form of a puppy puppet, aka Clifford the big brown dog. Puppy pretty much destroyed my house, upsetting boxes of blocks and clearing bookshelves of the books. Puppy got a time out (i.e., was put up on the topshelf of the bookcase). After a while, Jude said, “Puppy is listening now.” And thankfully the purse was done.

"May your bobbin always be full!"

we're doing it again!

2009-03-16T12:03:00.004-04:00

Even though by calendar spring does not officially start for another week, I think I witnessed the first contractions of spring yesterday. I was spending a lazy day nursing a chocolate induced headache by relaxing outside by the creek and soaking in the glorious sun. Everywhere I looked there were signs that spring was definitely on the way. Small flies were stretching their wings along the creek bank. They looked like tiny snowflakes only they were moving in the wrong direction.

When I finally got recharged enough to move…I ventured out to garden to discover these…

Earlier these crocuses were enticing honey bees

And these…

Baby bee balm

What you can't see in this picture is the lovely sounds of water rushing over rocks and birds singing their sunny song...

My favorite view of the creek

I feel like the whole world is saying, “We’re doing it again!” which is very close to the way a friend of mine recently announced her pregnancy. It feels like nature is pregnant right now and just about ready to burst. We are all anxiously awaiting the arrival!

unexpected generosity

2009-03-10T20:14:00.005-04:00

Saturday afternoon, Jude and I went into town to do some shopping. Our first stop was the garden center to look at their amazing spring exhibit in the greenhouse…a fairy garden complete with a waterfall and pond. I love fairy gardens and have a plan for my own one day (more on that once it actually manifests). Jude was enamored with the little fairies and miniature scenes of the garden. But he was completely captivated by the webkinz animals inside the store. I told him I didn’t have the money for an animal (which was the truth) and reminded him of the mountains of stuffed animals we had at home, but he was not satisfied. He left the garden center crying.

Our next stop was the discount grocery store. I only had a few items to get and we were back out in the parking lot in no time. I was trying my best to keep Jude from falling out of the cart and unload our groceries into our car, when the people who parked next to us approached. The passenger, an older woman, stood watching us. I thought that she was waiting to get by the cart which was parked between the two cars. Even though my thought was “how much room do you need?” I managed a smile and scooted the cart over as far as I could. She approached Jude and slipped $5 into his coat pocket and said “you buy a treat”. I looked up and shamefully said, “thank you.” And she said “I love to spoil children.”

I put Jude in his car seat and pulled the money out of his pocket. I showed it to him (because I don’t really think he understood what happened). I told him that the woman had given him this money and he could do whatever he wanted with it. At this point, I was prepared to drive back to the garden center because after all fate was obviously on Jude’s side this day. So I asked him, “What do you want to do with this money?” Maybe it was the way I worded the question, but I was surprised by the answer.

In his tiniest little boy voice with the biggest grin on his face, he said, “Give it to daddy.” I asked him if he was sure. He continued to talk about it on the way home. He said, “When we get home we need to go over to Daddy’s shop so I can give him this money.” And he fell asleep holding the money in his hand.

When he woke up, he cried out, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

"Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow." ~ Thorton Wilder

lovin this...

2009-03-08T11:28:00.002-04:00

late winter tanka

2009-03-04T07:40:00.008-05:00

white patches march
up north face of mountain
transform into clouds
escaping terrestrial grasp
to join snow geese in flight

tackling wisdom

2009-03-02T19:43:00.010-05:00

I was running Friday morning up on the mountain near my house. It was foggy and cool. The ground was sloshy with brown mud and I had to dodge islands of slushy ice, but I was really loving it all and so was my dog Sophie. She is a great excuse to go up on the mountain. We both thrive up there.

The mountain is a sacred place. I am lighter when I run there. I have clarity that I do not have anywhere else in my day to day life. I find the deeper meaning to little things that happen in my life. Layers of craziness fade softly. Issues seem to get resolved effortlessly. Buried emotions bubble up and escape. I dream, sing songs, and fly. Sophie just runs in loops that intersect the road I am running on but spends most of her time in the forest that flanks each side of the road.

As I have been wrestling with the thought of a new direction for my life, I have been praying for Wisdom. The Bible says you have to go after Wisdom. You have to seek Her out. Sophie is named after Sophia, which is Greek for Wisdom. Wisdom is the feminine aspect of God. I have been seeking out Wisdom for many, many years. At times more so than others, but always seeking out Wisdom for my life as a lot of people do I suppose. And this day was no different. My time running on the mountain is a physical prayer. For some reason, my connection to God is most direct when I am moving through space and time in a physical way. I guess my motor has to be running for my heart to listen.

On this particular morning, my heart was filled with angst over the subbing job that was looming in the ever near future. With a clarity that I really can’t explain in words, I realized that I was facing the same choice that I made 6 years ago when I went back to work after my son Bennett was born. I always regretted that I chose fear over finances over my son. Yet, here I was again making the same choice. Only there were a few differences. Our financial situation is much, much worse than it was 6 years ago. Jude is older than Bennett. This position is temporary.

Nevertheless, I realized there was no way that I could take this job. Mainly because it was fear that was driving my choice. How could one be passionate about subbing in a high school for 8 weeks? Well, maybe if I had no experience teaching I might be itching for my chance to run the show. But that is not my situation at all. I am completely impassionate about teaching in a public school right now.

The only reason I even considered it was for the money. When I first started teaching, I didn’t care at all about the money. Genesis 41 even made me more focused on that fear, and ultimately (I can be a little slow) I realized the reason I was to read it was to illuminate that piece of the picture for me. And then I thought that God made it so easy because there was some reason for me to be there. Well, I’m sure there was because God will use you where ever you are willing to be used. But God doesn’t need me to do anything that needs to be done. It was all ego.

Passion should drive your choices. I have learned this so many different times and so many different ways. Without passion you might as well be dead. And that morning I had already written in my journal “I’m choosing the world over heaven, and I am slowly dying this way.”

What I am passionate about is writing and creating. And those would be shoved to the back burner of my uncle’s stove (who lives in Oregon) if I were to suddenly be away from home for 50 hours while expounding my vast knowledge of natural selection and ecological principals like old forest succession to teenagers who could care less when the sun is shining and they need to get a tan for the prom.

I was finally jerked out of this quagmire of my mind at about the halfway point of my planned run, when we ran into a friend of my husband’s, Steve. Steve is the quintessential outdoorsman. The bumper sticker on the back of his truck reads “Guns are dangerous. The only thing more dangerous is not having them.” And he had his in a green carrying case on his left arm over his camouflage coat. He had his two Springer Spaniels with him. One was on a leash and the other was loose. Sophie went up to the leashed dog and got all bristled up. I went to grab her and she slipped away. About that time, the other dog charged out of the woods and barked and growled at Sophie. Sophie grabbed her face in her jaws. And instinctively, I grabbed Sophie’s snout and pulled her away. I straddled her, and she actually bucked me like a steer. I was thrown a couple of times, before I realized I was going to get killed that way. So I tackled her and pinned her to the ground.

Steve just stood there watching me, and asked “Do you want a leash?” He tossed me a leash and took his dogs down the road. I laid there on top of Sophie for a long while. The ground was wet and our hearts were racing. Breath after breath I tried to regain some control and peace. Finally, I felt it was safe to get up and continue with the run in the opposite direction from Steve, the way I intended to go in the first place.

I asked for some understanding of why the altercation occurred. I realized that I acted very brave in the situation. I was strong. I wasn’t afraid. I was alive. I tackled Wisdom. And She showed me not to fear the narrow path. Don’t overthink. Just be. Trust. Love. Simple messages that are difficult to hear over incessant clattering of an overactive mind.

I felt so good the rest of the run. Even though the mist turned to steady light rain and my clothes were soaked and covered with mud, I felt good. Why did this feel so good? Every cell in my body felt alive again, and I was free.

I continued running tethered to Sophie via the borrowed leash. Thinking about the new found clarity with my job situation, I kept Sophie in check by dangling the end of the leash in front of her. I started to think about the things that I could do if I didn’t take the job in April. I was flooded with relief that I could still choose not to take the job. That freedom felt so good. And finally a thought occurred to me, “what the hell let her off the leash.”

Wisdom is radiant and unfading,
She is easily discerned by those who love Her,
She is found by those who seek Her.
She hastens to make Herself known to those who desire Her.
One who rises early to seek Her will have no difficulty,
She will be found sitting at the gate.
To fix one’s thoughts on Her is perfect understanding,
and one who is vigilant on Her account will soon be free from care,
She goes about seeking those worthy of Her,
She graciously appears to them in their paths,
She meets them in every thought.

~From this Liturgy of Wisdom

the tiger's nest

2009-02-28T08:40:00.004-05:00

The other day I discovered the list of tags for this blog. There were only 3 that I’ve used more than once. They were fear, love, and surrender. I found this appropriate as the most significant moments of my life have involved these three actions…births, deaths, illness, healing, mystical experiences. I would have to say I would have never truly experienced love without experiencing some fear. And that in order to overcome those fears a degree of surrender occurred.

John told me a story that illustrates this so beautifully. He saw a beautiful picture of a Buddhist temple while waiting in a doctor’s office with his dad. In the picture the traditional pagoda style monastery appears to jut out from rocky cliff and overlook a deep forested canyon. He decided to ask the doctor if he had taken the picture when he went in with his dad. The doctor told him that his wife had taken the picture. They were in Bhutan on a doctors without borders mission. The monastery is not open to the public, but because of their work they were given a special pass that enabled them to tour the Tiger’s Nest monastery. The only way to get to the monastery was to take a small footpath that hugged the side of the mountain. The path was so narrow and the cliff so high that they couldn’t bring themselves to go all the way and turned back about the halfway point. The beauty, the peace, the wholeness, the truth was so alluring, but their fears were too great to overcome.

I am finding myself once again on a narrow path like this. It is so easy to retreat to the familiar, the accepted, the expected. Surrendering to experience something different takes mindfulness, patience, determination, passion. Sometimes I feel like my foot could slip at any minute. And the more steps I take, the longer and more difficult the path becomes. As we are entering the time of Lent, I can’t help but relate this to the passion of Christ. Step after step walking toward what is truth, what is Love, rebuking fears and the world to do what we are called to do.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”-Matthew 7:13-14

fun things we've made

2009-02-23T18:49:00.008-05:00

It's show and tell time. Here are some projects that we've completed recently...

I love the Picasso-like face on this snowman that Jude made at a recent storytime...

And here are some valentine's gifts I made for family and friends this year....

Travel tissue holders became a favorite project. I used this tutorial to get the size and a method, but I decided to change the design to make them more interesting. They are quick and satisfying. I love combining fabrics so each one was a real treat except the one I did with silk lining because an edge frayed around the opening. Oh well, now I have a travel tissue holder.

A red rosette pin for my mom made from felted sweater scraps and a fabric covered button.

A lavender rosette pin that ended up looking a bit different when all was said and done. I added two more pins to the center in different shades of pink and purple.

Late Christmas presents....

I used a pattern to get started on this felted purse, but I had to modify the original design quite a bit since I was using felt and wanted to do a couple of things differently. I used a thrifted abercrombie and fitch belt for the strap and added a flap for the clasp. The original design is called the 1-hour bag. Ahem...it took me 3 weeks, but I have been planning this bag for over a year. I love the juxtaposition of the sandals with the felted wool. It's like the little reminder of summer that we all need in the winter.

This is the third fold-able shopping bag that I have made using this tutorial. I think I finally got it right this time. I finally understood all the directions which seemed to help a lot.

And for fun...

A hat for Jude. I used and followed this well-written tutorial. There were some tricky parts to this design, but the designer really explained it well and made the project easy-peasy. And it makes my guy look adorable so I'm happy with this one! (Notice Elmo on stage in the background.)

"I think there is something necessary and life-giving about 'creative work'. A state of excitement. And it is like a faucet: nothing comes unless you turn it on, and the more you turn it on, the more comes." ~Brenda Ueland

the parent-child dynamic

2009-02-21T16:59:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine who is Greek sent me the link for this short movie. I found it so touching, especially since I know so many people who are taking on new roles with their parents. It is so interesting that as we age many of us will become dependent on others just as we were when we were children.

Jude will often repeat the same thing over and over until I say exactly the same thing back to him. He just wants to make sure that I am really listening. That I am there. Admittedly, I let a lot distract me. One of the things he will say many, many times a day is "I love you, mommy." He uses it like "thank you". May we all have the patience and grace to “just be” with our children and our parents and appreciate them for just who they are.

You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. ~William D. Tammeus

holy water

2009-02-19T17:11:00.007-05:00

There are a lot of things that I am passionate about, and water is one of them. Water is necessary for life. Without it, no life exists. But beyond that, good water is necessary for health. And it is getting harder and harder to find good water. Yesterday I heard a story that cited more than 40 % of wells tested in a Pennsylvania study failed to meet the state’s safe drinking water standard.

I’ve been buying alkalized water from a place in Lewisburg. It is filtered and, using electrolysis, separated into smaller mineral clusters. Supposedly, it hydrates you more easily. I buy it because it is filtered and alkaline.

Today, I went in to buy 5 gallons. I reached down on the bottom shelf and removed the jugs and saw on a piece of cardboard these letters LOVE AND GR. The rest of the letters were covered by more gallons of water. I recognized it at once because this is a blessing that I had over my kitchen sink for quite a while (until John cleaned the windows and didn’t replace my blessing). I also use it as a breathe prayer. On the inhale I will say to myself “love” and on the exhale “gratitude”.

I told the owner how cool it was that she had this blessing on the water and asked if she ever saw Masaru Emoto’s fascinating work on ice crystals. That got us started on a lovely conversation about love and gratitude having the highest vibrational frequency and all the implications. It was so inspiring to know that she was applying this to her business…the water business.

I know there is a lot of skepticism about alkalized, oxygenated, or energized water like the water I buy in Lewisburg. There are numerous anecdotal accounts of people being helped by the alkalized water. And so I just take off my scientist hat, put my hands to my chest, and give a deep bow of gratitude (and love!) to all that I don’t understand. Then I take a big drink of water.

“Water has a message for the world: The world is linked together by love and gratitude.”-Masaru Emoto, The Hidden Messages in Water

life's a party

2009-02-17T20:20:00.004-05:00

Don't you wish life could really be like this...spontaneous parties, gaiety, dancing where ever you went?

Pauper to princess

2009-02-11T17:10:00.006-05:00

Last week in the midst of all the turmoil over the job, I found myself experiencing a wide range of emotions…despair, excitement, dread, anticipation, fear. Ah…that was it. When I got right down to it, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I went back to work something would happen like when I went back to work before Bennett was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was also afraid of what might happen to my relationship with Jude. Would he suddenly discover he didn’t need to be a mommy’s boy anymore?

I was also frustrated. It seemed like all our dreams were being thrown out the window. Because I have trouble stopping at what happens when I take a job for 7 weeks. I end up skipping years ahead and thinking, “Okay, great, now I’ll be working full-time there is no way that I can homeschool Jude.” But being able to pay off our debt and having enough money to pay our bills sounded so good to me too; at least having less stress about these things. I ended up having to surrender it all to God. There was no easy answer.

Then I received a Bible Study the day before my job interview. When I clicked on the link and at the top of the page appeared the picture I have at the top of this page. I was instantly drawn to it because that was exactly how I felt. There I was clinging to the earth when Jesus was reaching out to me with a crown of jewels.

The Bible study was about chapter 41 in Genesis. This is a story about Joseph interpreting the Pharaoh’s dream that there would be 7 years of plenty followed by 7 years of famine. Joseph is put in charge of all of Egypt, and he stores up huge amounts of grain that he sold when the famine came.

After I read the chapter, I asked God what I was supposed to take from it. Clearly, I was shown that this job was a way of providing for our family now…it was God’s provision to prepare for a time when the resources will be needed.

I emailed Brenda Hendricks, the person who sent the Bible Study, to find out more about the picture. I told her that the woman in the picture was me. She told me that the ashes falling from the woman’s hand spell the word “Pauper”. And that the jewels in the crown spell the word “Princess”. On the cross were the words “Jesus Saves.”

She told me that as she worked on the illustration she had these thoughts… “discard the ashes of your past pauper-existence for now you are the Bride of Christ.” By clinging to the earthly things and ways as I do, I have become such a pauper. Not just in a financial sense, but in a spiritual sense. There are heavenly riches that I cannot even fathom if I can trust and have faith in Christ.

And so I did. I took that leap of faith again. I went to the interview with the thought that it didn’t matter one way or the other to me personally whether I got the job. If I got it there was some reason for me to be there. If I didn’t, God needed me somewhere else.

I’ll have to say, even though I hadn’t interviewed for a job in 10 years, that was the easiest job interview I ever had. I basically had a conversation with the four people who were interviewing me (the principal, assistant principal, and two teachers). After a while, the principal said, we had a bunch of questions we were going to ask you, but I have a good feeling about this. I don’t think we need to ask any questions. He called before I got home to offer me the job. I asked if I could let him know tomorrow because I wanted time to pray about it.

I start in April probably 3 years to date that I left my classroom when Jude was born.

"You turned my mourning into dancing
You stripped me of my sorrow and clothed me with your joy
I cannot be silent, I will sing Your praises forever." ~Psalms 30:11&12 (paraphrased by Brenda Hendricks)
The illustration was used with permission from Brenda Hendricks www.twosmallfish.org

The fog lifted, temperatures are rising, and the ice is flowing….

2009-02-08T15:05:00.005-05:00

Tuesday morning, I drove into Lewisburg for Qigong. I was still brewing over all the job stuff. I called my mom and spent most of the 30 minute drive in talking about how uncertain I was about going back to work right now. It was incredibly foggy which was the perfect metaphor for my mental and emotional state. I arrived at Qigong. And after an hour of meditation, slow movements to disperse stagnant Qi, and acquire and redistribute new Qi the fog had lifted. We looked out the window and you could see the Bucknell practice field and route 15 again. And I suddenly had no feeling one way or the other about working again. I surrendered it all.

Well…I have more to write about that, but I’ll leave it at that for now because the rest of the week was chaos. I had the job interview on Thursday. Jude has pneumonia and infections in both ears. With a fever that has been difficult to get down, he has been lying on the couch for four days. The plus side of this is that he has said “Mommy, I love you” about 10,000 times. I am so blessed to have such a sweetie. And, I have a sinus infection with a fever as well.

The temperature is rising outside too. The water is rising as the ice is flowing slowly by our house. Thankfully, it’s not raining.
Blessings~

“Feed a cold, starve a fever” –wise American proverb (not much of an appetite here anyway)

I'm back

2009-02-02T20:08:00.002-05:00

Aunt Judy called me on my cell phone last Friday and said “Where are you?” My response at the time made perfect sense to me given the chaos of last week. “I think I’m here,” I responded. The truth was my mind was racing all last week as I wrote test articles for freelance writing gigs, attended playgroups, and looked for and applied to teaching jobs.

And besides the activities that have me all over the place, there is a battle of beliefs rolling around in my head that’s been keeping me rather occupied. There is part of me that really needs some relief from the financial strain that our family is experiencing and then there is another part of me that believes so much in the dream of being stay home with Jude. There is no easy way out. I believe in dreams. I believe in doing what you are passionate about and doing it to your best ability. I believe this is what should drive your choices and actions. But without a bit of guilt, shame, or even disillusionment (much to the disagreement of my beloved) I know there is a huge part of me who doesn’t give a whoo about money, but there is another part that likes to buy Apollinaris mineral water at $2.49 a pop. I like knowing we have good credit because we pay our bills on time. And I like having more than a few coins in my wallet.

Jude, regardless of what is going on, will respond “pretty good” if you ask him how he is? how his food is? etc. I’ve been working very hard to appreciate all I have. I’ve been finding many blessings in these circumstances. But the best I can manage anymore is “okay” when asked the same questions. And sometimes, not often, I feel like saying, “pretty crappy.”

I know how to find joy in any circumstance. I know how to stay present and not let my mind slip away into what ifs. I know how to avoid sending negative energy to future, a.k.a. worrying. But for some reason right now I’m struggling.

I have a job interview this Thursday…. I hope I can be there.

Been meditating over these today at the wise advice of a friend….
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, what is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” –Philippians 4:8
And
“I’m not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” –Philippians 4:11-13

The Last Chapter...

2009-01-24T07:20:00.006-05:00

I’m not ending this blog or dying anytime soon (as best I know). I thought about the title for this post a bit and was afraid in this era of only reading headlines someone might get the wrong message. So we’ll get that out of the way right now.

Actually, I wanted to write about the last chapter of books...really good books that you have trouble leaving. Jude and I are reading the Complete Tales and Poems of Winnie-the-Pooh by A. A. Milne. Jude at times seems more interested in what page we are on in the BIG blue book than the actual story. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoy reading these stories so I press on even when he doesn’t seem to be listening. Despite having read these delightful stories before, I was dreading getting to the last chapter of the House at Pooh Corner. Even the title “In Which Christopher Robin and Pooh Come to an Enchanted Place, and We Leave Them There” tells you that you better have your tissues ready. And I basically sobbed the last 2 pages of the chapter.

John came up from downstairs, and explaining my tears I said gasping for air between sobs, “That is so sad.” He scuffed, “It’s Winnie-the-pooh.” “No,” I said, “it’s about growing up.” I don’t know but the thought of Christopher Robin being to big to play with his stuffed bear is the saddest thought to me. But I am also the 40 year old, who told her mother at the age of 5 that I never wanted to grow up. We were sitting in my Dad’s recliner, and she was holding me in her lap. I still remember the sadness I felt because even then I knew that it was inevitable.

I have experienced in the hardest way possible the idea that we cannot cling to what we love or expect things not to change, and still have so much to master in this area…....obviously.

A few…oh well… several, of my favorite lines from this story…
“What I like best in the whole word is Me and Piglet going to see You, and You saying, ‘ What about a little something?’ and Me saying, ‘Well, I shouldn’t mind a little something, should you, Piglet,’ and it being a hummy sort of day outside, and birds singing,”
“I like that too,” said Christopher Robin, “but what I like doing best is Nothing.”
“How do you do Nothing?” asked Pooh, after he had wondered for a long time.
“Well, it’s when people call out at you just as you’re going off to do it, What are you going to do, Christopher Robin, and you say, Oh, nothing, and then you go and do it.”…..
“Pooh!”
“Yes?” said Pooh.
“When I’m ----when----Pooh!”
“Yes, Christopher Robin?”
“I’m not going to do Nothing any more.”
“Never again?”
“Well, not so much. They don’t let you.”
Pooh waited for him to go on, but he was silent again.
“Yes, Christopher Robin?” said Pooh helpfully.
“Pooh, when I’m ---you know—when I’m not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?”
“Just Me?”
“Yes, Pooh.”
“Will you be here too?’
“Yes, Pooh, I will be, really. I promise I will be, Pooh.”
“That’s good,” said Pooh.
“Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred.”
Pooh thought for a little.
“How old shall I be then?”
“Ninety-nine.”
Pooh nodded.
“I promise,” he said.
Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh’s paw.
-A. A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

By the way, Christopher Robin Milne died at the age of 76. Hard to imagine...

What if the mightiest word were love?

2009-01-21T07:51:00.007-05:00

What if the mightiest word were love?

What if we opened our eyes in the morning, took a deep breath in, and remembered that our purpose on this planet is to love?
What if we gave someone a hug before we took our first sip of coffee?
What if we stepped out of our house and thought “how will I love today?”
What if we saw each encounter with another person as an opportunity to love them?
What if we started off all our conversations with the words “I love you?”
What if we sought out love to dissolve differences?
What if we always asked “how may I help you?" without hesitation?
What if we trusted that love was more powerful than any of our fears?
What if we spent time each day clearing out all our thoughts so we could feel love?
What if we imagined we were breathing in love with each breath, and that we were breathing out love each time we exhale?
What if we got 10 hugs a day?
What if every child was told they were great just the way they are?
What if we laid in bed each night thinking of all the people we love rather than the things we fear?
What if the mightiest word were love?

Inspired by the inauguration poem "Praise Song for the Day." Here is an excerpt:
"What if the mightiest word
is love?
Love beyond marital, filial, national.
Love that casts a widening pool of light.
Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.
In today's sharp sparkle, this
winter air, any thing can be made,
any sentence begun.
On the brink,
on the brim,
on the cusp,
praise song for walking forward in that light."
— Elizabeth Alexander

The Heron

2009-01-19T13:45:00.005-05:00

One day this fall, I was walking with Jude on my back in a backpack. We were walking by a favorite little stream near our house. The sound of the water rushing over the rocks is so soothing. Whenever we walk there, I look down the steep bank to watch the water twist and swirl while I listen.

I noticed a heron down in the stream, and I was surprised that it had not flown away. Herons don’t usually allow you to get so close. I pointed out to Jude that there was a heron down in the stream, and then I saw why the heron had not flown away. Its foot was caught in something.

Without even thinking, I took Jude off my back and stumbled down the bank with him. I placed Jude at the edge of the stream in a safe place, and splashed quickly across and up the stream to the heron.

The whole time I was mentally telling the heron, “It’s okay. I’m going to help you.” When I got to the heron, I discovered that its foot was caught in a large metal trap. I tried to figure out how to release the trap, but I couldn’t. I told the heron that I would get help. I splashed back across the stream, scooped up Jude, and ran home.

John and I rushed back with a blanket. John released the trap and the heron sort of fell over not wanting to put weight on its leg. John wrapped it in the blanket and we took it back up to the van.

I sat with the heron in my lap wrapped in the blanket. It was breathing heavily and blood dripped from its cut toes. I tried to focus on my own breathing, slow and steady, and visualized love and healing energy pouring over the both of us.

We were able to find a wildlife rehabilitator to take the Heron. She was amazed that the heron had not tried to attack us with its very sharp beak.

And I wondered what was that heron all about. My own health issues were significant, and I couldn’t help but think that the heron symbolized something. How was I trapped? What could I learn from the heron? Herons traditionally symbolize self-reliance and aggressive self-determination. Without question these are traits that I normally possess although my declining health had allowed both of these qualities to weaken. I felt like I couldn’t do anything anymore on my own. I couldn’t even rescue the heron on my own. On the other hand, I was determined to find the answer to my health problems on my own. I spent hours researching every disorder from cancer to intestinal parasites trying to find the answer to why my health was declining and I was getting nowhere. Maybe my own self-reliance was the trap.

Well, I never really resolved all these questions nor have I completely understood why the heron came into my life when and how it did. But today, I received an email about the heron’s release. Just looking at the pictures gave me goosebumps. I definitely feel like my heart is flying with that heron. I have returned to a new state of health and I am also gaining my life back. Maybe like the heron, I will find that I have new terrain to explore…

"There is an art, or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ~Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The one winged angel

2009-01-17T15:13:00.003-05:00

I have been seeing a practitioner for lymph drainage therapy to help me deal with some of the health problems that I have been having lately. I established a ritual of giving her something each time I receive treatment because she is much more than a practitioner. She's a true friend. My plan was to make the small gift each time. The night before my appointment I remembered that I needed my gift so I grabbed a cinnamon applesauce ornament Jude and I made a few days earlier. It was a small angel with very delicate wings. I strung a piece of yarn through the small hole at the top and set it with a stack of items I would be taking with me the next morning. I wasn’t happy with the way the yarn looked though, and thought to myself that I would try to fix that.

The next morning, I slipped the delicate angel into my coat pocket thinking that I would need to be careful to keep the wings from breaking off. When I got out to the car, I carefully removed her and set her on the passenger seat just in case I forgot that it was in my pocket. I had a little bit of time before my appointment and decided to try to change the yarn to a thin piece of homespun fabric. The problem was that the hole was too small. I was really trying to get the fabric through, but I didn’t want to force it too much.

I decided to give up on trying to get the fabric through. And without doing anything that I can remember to make this happen, the angel just slipped right off my lap and landed near my gearshift. I looked down and the left wing had snapped off.

My first thought was, “Now I have nothing to give.” Then I decided that I would give it anyway and just suggest that this was truly a case where it is the thought that counts and an offer to replace it with a different angel next time. I slipped it back into my coat pocket and went in for my appointment. While I was waiting, I thought of this quote,

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.”

I wrote that quickly on a piece of paper I found and thought that the quote made the angel special in some way.

When my friend came in, we had a discussion about my situation…my health. I had really been struggling. It was almost Christmas and I was still sick. I was frustrated, tired, and feeling a bit hopeless. We elaborated on a brief conversation I had with a friend just a couple of days earlier about surrender. She suggested that I try accepting this fate that has become me not trying to fix it or even understand it. It was one of those conversations that bring you through a full range of emotions….desperation, hopelessness, anger, hope, gratitude.

Then it struck me. The one winged angel was so symbolic of what I was going through in that moment and represented a summary of our conversation. The wing was broken. I had no way to fix it. I gave it anyway. And it was an even better gift after all it went through.

My friend and I gave each other a huge hug at the end of my visit. We knew the Spirit had been with us, guiding, speaking, and embracing us through our time together. Those moments are heaven on earth.

This experience left me with renewed strength to face the hand that I have been dealt without being frustrated by it or trying to fix it. My hope is that somehow all this will make me a stronger person or help someone else, but really it doesn’t matter because I’m obviously not in control of this situation and I have to stop believing that I am.

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.” ~Luciano de Crescenzo

Two peices of the puzzle

2009-01-16T08:47:00.001-05:00

The rest of New Year’s Day my face got redder and redder, and I got itchier and itchier. My face even started swelling up.

The Friday after New Year’s Day I called a dermatologist and I was politely told by the receptionist that their first opening was at the end of March. Then I called a local hospital’s dermatology department. That receptionist took all my information, and then said, “We had a cancellation this afternoon, could you come in at 2:30.” How awesome was that?

So off I went to the dermatologist. I prayed the way there. Please, please let this person be compassionate, open-minded, and not bossy. She was a very compassionate person, and she brought all her colleagues in to look at me. They determined it was contact dermatisis, but did a biopsy to be certain.

Things really cleared up quickly. By Sunday evening, my skin looked almost normal again.

Then last Friday, I found out from our naturopath that Jude and I both have Lyme disease. This makes sense since we have both have had ticks on us, and our dog often has ticks. That afternoon, the dermatologist called with the biopsy report. She said it was an allergic response, possibly to a bite.

Ah, two pieces of the puzzle in one day. This news would have devastated me 3 weeks ago, but having my skin return to normal has given me such hope. I seem to be tettering on the edge of hope and despair lately.

This reminds me of a story I heard on NPR about a contest called “Six Words to Inspire a Nation.” Contestants had to come up with a 6 word inaugural address for President Elect Obama. The winning entry was….
“Divided by fear, united by hope.” - Donna Formica-Wilsey of Philadelphia, PA

Always darkest before the dawn

2009-01-14T13:15:00.003-05:00

My friend Jasmine told me that her mother always said “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. Of course when she told me this, I always wondered is this the darkest or could things really get worse than they were. They could.

The Tuesday before New Year’s Day I arranged to borrow my brother-in-laws car to drive up to Williamsport for an appointment. I also had to arrange for Judy to watch Jude. I had to leave the house before 9:00 which was a challenge because of all my issues. As I was getting closer to Williamsport, I thought to myself “I never checked my appointment card to make sure that the appointment was at 10:00.” So while I was driving I searched through my wallet to find the card. I pulled it out and it said 1:00pm. Oh @#%!^@! I called the office quick to see if they possibly had an earlier opening and sort of resigned myself to spending the morning in Williamsport. The office manager said, “well, not only do you have the wrong time but you have the wrong day. We moved all the appointments to Wednesday on account of New Year’s Day.”

I’m not sure why now, but that set me over the edge. I was a wreck, completely miserable. How could I go from being a very responsible, together person to the wacko that I had become? I said, “Okay God, I’m done. Take me home.” Fortunately, God didn’t take me seriously.

That day the results of our hair analysis tests came back. Jude had high levels of arsenic, lead, and cadmium. My minerals were extremely deficient indicating mercury poisoning. I had my appointment the next day, and because it was Wednesday I actually got to see Dr. Powers.

He didn’t seem concerned with Jude’s results. He said since the metals are showing up in his hair, his body was producing glutathione, the body’s own chelating agent. In the course of our <10 minute conversation, he told me that I should have my skin biopsied at least 4 times. He said it could be cutaneous T-cell lymphoma. Well, that got my attention, and I decided my policy of avoiding conventional medicine needed to be revised.

You can read what happened the next day here .

“The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach.”

I should be to the moon by now....

Are we Big Brother?

2009-01-11T17:40:00.007-05:00

I know that I am not the first person to expound on this idea, but lately it has been evident to me that we (meaning the people) are Big Brother as much as they (meaning the government) is. What really made me think this was a recent story I heard about Oscar Grant, an unarmed man who was shot at point blank range by police in California on New Year’s Day. At least five different people apparently videoed the event with their cell phone and posted the clip on YouTube where it was viewed hundreds of thousands of times. Riots broke out because of this. I’m not saying that the event should not have been videod. But it made me think, we are actually part of the system that “watches”.

Then I began to think about Facebook. I just recently got lured into FB because some pictures were posted of Jim, my Tour of Hope teammate and brother. At the top of your homepage, it asks what are you doing now? I joked with a friend about this. Well, obviously you're at the computer if you can respond to that question. And she responded that she loves to read when someone enters “playing with my kid” because you know they aren’t really playing with their kid. They are on FB. Anyway, it became apparent to me that this is another way that we become part of the system of tracking. Don’t get me wrong, I want know when my friend halfway across the country is stopping by starbucks to get a cup of joe just as much as you.

Then of course, we have the ever-popular blog. Where we all like to share a little piece of our world with the…well, the world. I have several that I check out regularly, and ummm, obviously I felt compelled to start this one myself. But again, even though we can edit the parts we don’t want to share, we basically share our lives with complete strangers. Actually, it may be worse if you know the person whose blog you read because then you feel like you are spying on your friends or you feel like a pathetic friend because you don’t make the time to find out what’s going on in their life by calling or visiting them.

Maybe we unconsciously want Big Brother to be reality. Maybe we want the security of knowing that nothing is secret.

“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”-Chamfort

Intention and Faith

2009-01-08T15:37:00.003-05:00

I've been focusing more and more on intention and faith lately as my health has seemed to return rapidly to its former state. One of the things that I have been really committed to do is to exercise more regularly. I am running again. Today, I really wanted to run because I hadn't since Sunday. I was driving home from playgroup thinking that maybe if John was having lunch, I could sneak out for a quick run. And then I felt that God would just make that happen. And low and behold even though it was almost 2:00pm, John was just finishing up lunch. I asked him if he could extend his break a little more and dashed out the door. Needless to say, I was full of praise.

But it made me think....what if it wouldn't have worked out. Was that because I didn't have the faith that it would? Or, is that because something else needed to happen for my highest good? I think I will be forever mulling these questions through my head.

"Faith is not contrary to the usual ideas, something that turns out to be right or wrong, like a gambler's bet: it's an act, an intention, a project, something that makes you, in leaping into the future, go so far, far, far ahead that you shoot clean out of time and right into Eternity, which is not the end of time or a whole lot of time or unending time, but timelessness, the old Eternal Now"-Joanna Russ

2009 is so Divine

2009-01-06T17:45:00.006-05:00

At least it seems that way to me so far... I haven't written in a long time because my health started to completely unravel about the time of my last post. It started with extreme fatigue and dandruff and at its worse last week it was a dermatitis all over my face, neck, underarms, and areas that I won't mention. If you can imagine the worse case of poison ivy that lasted for months and seemed to spread and spread, that gives you somewhat of an idea of what I experienced.

New Year's Day I went for a walk, something I hadn't been able to do easily for months because my skin hurt in the cold air. Despite the numerous times I prayed before, I stated, "I don't want to be sick anymore." And I could physically feel something change and just felt that I would finally be getting better. I looked up in the sky and a hawk was circling overhead. I took that as a sign from God that what I felt was truth.

I wish that I would have written everything as it happened, but I didn't so I will just try to fill in some of the missing pieces over a few posts. More as a way for me to record everything.

Afterall...who on earth would think to read this.

My friend Deb's mantra for this year "2008 let it skate, 2009 is so Divine."

Play

2008-02-27T15:37:00.003-05:00

We are all about playing here right now. Jude has two different playgroups that he attends. It is so fascinating to watch all the kiddos his age interacting. Jude has a hard time understanding that if someone is playing with something that doesn't mean they are pointing it out for him! But I guess that's pretty common for his age.

I can honestly say I benefit from the playgroups as much as he does. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a rotten day. I was in a terrible mood. We went to playspace and after 1.5 hours of watching kids romp around and giggle, I forgot all about my bad day.

I recently read an article, Taking Play Seriously, in the New York Times Magazine. The article explores all kinds of angles for why play is beneficial only to say that the experts don't know how play is evolutionarily advantageous. At the end of the article there is a quote from Stuart Brown that goes beyond the cognitive and physical benefits that play might provide children, to what I have experienced myself. '‘‘If you think of all the things we do that are playrelated and erase those, it’s pretty hard to keep going.’’ Without play, he said, ‘‘there’s a sense of dullness, lassitude and pessimism, which doesn’t work well in the world we live in.’’'

Less seriously, we did some playing out in the snow this weekend. John and I huffed and puffed to build this tiny snowman for Jude who could hardly walk more than 5 feet without falling. His snowsuit was so immobilizing that each time he fell, one of us had to go hoist him back up onto the soles of his snowboots. At one point, I said to John, "there is a reason kids build snowmen and not adults." It's hard work to be on your knees rolling balls of snow! Here are a couple of photos.

Jude hugging Mr. Snow Dude

Sophie ripping off Mr. Snow Dude's pinecone nose

'"Look at life without play, and it's not much of a life."'-Stuart Brown as quoted in the New York Times Magazine article Taking Play Seriously

Now, get off the computer and play!

a nudda wun

2008-02-22T14:40:00.014-05:00

Well, I'm getting on a roll here. I'm surprised that I have posted as many times as I have. We can all thank Jude for the title of this post. This is his favorite expression these days. Today, I also heard him say "good wun". For the sake of amusement, we took a pic of Jude's favorite cast of characters today. Here they are...

Duckdee, Pooh, Babee, Munkmee and little Duckdee

Most of his play with these guys involves looking for them. Sometimes, he hides them, smiles, puts his hands up in the air and says, "Munkmee?" Of course, he gets great amusement out of taking baby's clothes off and putting on his "that" (hat).

Here is what I've been playing with....

It's kool-aid dyed yarn for a purse project. I was very pleased with the result mostly because I developed a new easy and mess-free way to do it. I even mixed colors to get a salmon color.

Next time I'll take some pics and make a tutorial.

Well, we got some snow last night. I'm off to search the cupboard for some hot-chocolate. Oh, if only I had some whipping cream....

"When I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it . . . and it is all one." M. F. K. Fisher

This is so profound. I know it, know it...but whipped cream is definitely my first choice of a substitute when the love isn't readily available. Check out this woman's master cleanse diary for some interesting things that happen when you stop putting the gunk into your body. Who'd a thought?

The day after...

2008-02-15T15:16:00.006-05:00

These days, you have to almost expect me to write a valentine's day post the day after valentine's day. But hey, it's always good to share a little love even if it comes a day later than it's supposed to. Jude and I made this special valentine for John. (You can make one too!)Jude's part was being patient while I focused intently on something other than him. And we made this one...

for Mimi. I think he enjoyed making this one more until I had to edit it with Photoshop. Well, he enjoyed eating the snow/ice anyway. We also made Mimi a gift, but I don't want to give it totally away because she hasn't received yet. So for now, I'll just say it was inspired by this. I'll post a picture soon, and I'll leave you with this...

"Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Wow!

Cabin blessed

2008-02-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

I don't know whether to call this cabin fever or a cabin blessing. Last week Jude was sick all week and we didn't go anywhere. We took several baths a day trying to break his persistant fever. I started to think about it today, and it is really such a blessing to stay home. I don't know why but I feel so much stress just getting Jude ready to go anywhere. It usually involves multiple trips to the car, a diaper change, a check for clean diapers in the diaper bag...I have to think about food and drinks and the time we will be away. Then there is the actual getting into the car and convincing Jude that I will turn the music on for him. Right now he is digging this CD of beautiful hymns. He just loves that CD.

I remember in the days after Bennett died, I walked around our property. Not that our property is that big, but it has little pockets of variation. I remember thinking that I just wanted to stay home and take of my little piece of the world. I'm kind of feeling that way again. There is something to be said for slowing down a bit and taking care of little things or little people.

I love this quote from Mother Theresa..."We can do no great things...only small things with great love." These are words of truth.

The first words...

2008-02-01T11:08:00.001-05:00

he said clearly were "oh wow". And it really isn't surprising because he loves to discover things, observe things, and figure them out. He inspires me to find the wonder in all things, especially simple things. So I hope that through this blog I can share some of those experiences...our adventures of big wonders and little blessings.

This really isn't a big bang of a beginning but so it has been said...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."